Mother's day...

My mother and I didn't get along very well. I really don't want to get very deep into why, since she is dead. She's been gone since August of 1995, in fact. There is a lot that I could say about her, but most of the time it's very difficult to think of anything positive... There were some good times here and there but most of the time there was trouble.

Either way, the reason I'm doing this post is because of the guilt I carry concerning my relationship with her. Yesterday my church, like many others around the world, was doing a service based around mother's day. Had I remembered what day it was I might not have gone to church. There was a children's message about mother's day, and the sermon consisted of one of our member pastor's asking people to stand up and give stories about their mothers... I would have liked to give one, but I couldn't remember anything that would have been good. I felt terrible, and remorse was all I could muster. I know full well that no one had anything else in mind other than good intentions, as does God in all his ways. How could anyone know? In fact, I wouldn't want to burden them with my problems in light of what they are called to do.

The problem is simple... I can sort of forgive my mom for everything, and there was a sort of reconciliation before she died between me and her. Our relationship wasn't one where I or she refused to speak to one another, but rather one of walking on egg shells... Where basically a lot of unsaid anymosity was laid aside in favor of polite talk and a smile... Now, that she's gone, every mother's day that comes around is only a reminder of how I can't ask her to forgive me for all the trouble I caused her. So, yesterday at church was especially rough, because the reason we are called to church is to hear the proclamation of forgiveness of sins... And I listened intently for a word of encouragement for me, but there wasn't one... Everyone else I guess got along with their mom's just fine all their lives and aren't in a place where they need to hear something good about it.

I'm guessing I need to make time to ask the Pastor to hear my confession. It's been 12 years and this isn't going away. I'm feeling desparate... I just wish I could tell her I'm sorry!!!

I miss you mom!!!